Disability and Travel

Life is good and that’s the way it should be. It has been a friggin’ rollercoaster forever. I have so many blogs started that I just never finished. But HERE I AM!!! I missed y’all a whole lot! I have so much to chat with ya about!

For Halloween Bear and I took an adventure to Jacksonville, Florida.

Our main reasoning for the journey was because Bear was interested in going to a haunted corn maze. Upon arrival, I was pretty underwhelmed, but I’m pretty underwhelmed by most things, we were instructed the highlights of the maze were not visible from where we were and to reach the maze, located about a mile away, we absolutely HAD to get on a hayride, which wasn’t accessible. When I don’t understand something my first response is to lose my temper and make you question your life.  I simply did not understand any part of this. In retrospect, I don’t remember looking to see if it was a wheelchair accessible event. I have for 28 years so pretty much absofuckingpositive I did but I don’t give a fuck. It was a public event. It should have been available to ALLL.  Not some. Every time this occurs some walkie witnessing the event will ask, “Did you look online to make sure the event was accessible? Dude, that sucks.”“Dude, did you look online to see if they allowed your brand of shirt on the premises tonight?” I have been looking online for accessibility since before you were born. Go suck a troll because what you are doing now is equally beneficial. The overall wearing manager offered a make-shift ramp constructed of one flimsy plywood sheet, my guess, it was ¾ of an inch thick, in this walkie manager’s wonderous utopian mind this “ramp” would be able to support me and my chair once to get on the hayride, then it would be able to support Bear and his chair to get on, then I have no idea how plywood works, but now it is already stressed and the manager wants to take it for a bumpy journey, say it survives that venture; now we have to enter the corn maze. I have to successfully get off then Bear and his chair, THEN we have to load back on the hayride to go home.  Plywood is not that freakin’ trustworthy. One person with a wheelchair I could comprehend but no, it’s a bad idea. Who thinks of this shit?
We have a wheelchair van that I hate with a fiery passion. It has an electric lift that breaks every two days.  Never buy an electric lift, it makes absolutely 0 sense if manual is an option.  Our van was at the site of the maze so common sense says, “Why not load in the van and go back to the corn maze?”

Only employees are allowed to drive on the premises because they don’t want any children getting hurt.

Well, motherfucker, that’s how we are going to do it so let’s get it done.

Luckily, Bear did whatever Bear does and my idea was put in place and everything was well and no one was harmed. The maze was well-worth the ableism and stress.

My parents came down for that wonderful holiday where we say what were grateful for, when in truth we should be saying it every day so we shouldn’t really need to make a special day of it, while we commemorate obesity and gluttony and at the end of it will just be wasteful.

Between the end of October and mid-January I have come to be extremely grateful every hour of each day and to stay extremely aware at all times. Time has told me everything that is bad will occur at this time.


Thanksgiving dinner was hosted at Bear’s bother’s home, which is across from a hospital and I could see the hospital staring at me and mocking me from our arrival until we departed; Telling me how many people were there missing their families and reminding me of holidays past.  Mocking hospitals are hard to ignore. All my Chakras have been blocked for months now and I could not stay in the present that whole day.

I like to enjoy every minute of every day and make it somehow the best ever and I don’t like people fucking with that.

The week of Christmas the state which pays for our PA services informed us that because of a clerical error our services would be put on hold. This means they would no longer be paying our caregivers.  I didn’t understand it and we had 5 tightly budgeted trips planned to cure my insufferable boredom/depression so I threatened everyone and told them how badly they did their job. Bear was his Superman self figured out a plan.  We, unfortunately did lose one PA and because of this cannot hire a new one right now. I hate having two PAs. I find it ridiculous, I find me and Ryan living in one space far too many people: My daddy always said, “Only one cook in the Kitchen” but it is a necessity I have come to realize.  These days, I feel I still enjoy every minute of the day, but I can’t wait for it to be over so we can be closer to getting another PA and I fucking hate myself for wishing the day away. I don’t have the luxury of wishing days away, so I try to make a point not to but recently I have.

For our holiday trip this year Bear flew for the first time! Right after Thanksgiving Ryan and I took a big jet plane with my mom and dad to my beautiful hometown, Chicago. It was the worst flight. It was way too early for me and it was storming from Atlanta to Chicago. Our landing was barely a landing and more of a, “we just hit the ground” Ry was a big fan of the flight. Not a big fan of Chicago in winter. We did get in a pretty big fight because he was cold. No one cares if your cold in Chicago You can say it all you want. You can feel it. But ain’t nobody care. We are gonna see Christkindlmarket and get a milkshake if you keep it up. Turns out I need to be more understanding. I’m working on this. I’m cold every second of the day, do I bitch about it?

Probably…Probably…but I saw Kirsten!

On the way home to Georgia, Bear and I flew solo. I was anxious and was completely aware of my body in my chair for the hour we sat in the terminal. I hate strangers transferring me. I never cared until I left Chicago. I remember one-time in the dead of winter, we had to make a documentary for my friend and this strange man who gave off the worst vibes and was smoking a cigar had to carry me up 3 flights of outdoor stairs.

I lived.

But I just don’t like people transferring me now. To enter an airplane seat, strangers must transfer you. All went well with the transfers. Ry and I were able to sit next to each other, which made the trip. The airline first told us we could not sit together then we did and it was fabulous! I have flown many times with other abled-bodied people and myself. If you haven’t yet, you should. It was a lot better than Ry and I expected having two wheelchairs on one flight! No wheelchairs were broken either! My biggest fear in flying is having my wheelchair break at my vacation destination. Be sure if you travel by air to specify how truly important wheelchairs are… do whatever you can to make the baggage guy’s job easier… Ask them to not stack anything on the wheelchair, especially the joystick…

My goal in life, which I have somehow found Bear in this infinite universe and he has much the same goal, which proves how much the universe is on your side but now it is our goal to travel. After almost 30 years we almost have our lives figured out enough to start traveling. By no means is any shit figured out, but I don’t cry every day. Like I said we are both almost thirty and when that happens a married couple accumulates so much material junk. We have two knife blocks on the counter right now. For some strange reason I find all this “junk” is keeping us from reaching our goal. I absolutely hate Georgia, as you know because it’s too big. Our apartment is disgustingly big. It’s so unnecessary. I think it’s the smallest thing Georgia has to offer. When you say “small home” in Georgia it’s still a mansion and “no mayo” to them means a little. I gained so much butter and mayo weight when I first came to Georgia. Don’t eat here.   I loved my really crappy Chicago apart which had one bedroom. I shared with some bro and had to sleep in the living room. It was so homey and safe. Everything could be seen from anywhere at all times. No mean people could hide in there and no junk could accumulate. I want a place like that back or else I buy junk and worry and stress about bad men instead of doing something creative with my imagination.

Just in case y’all thought no one else was fed up with the media and it was just me and possibly you our friend, Melissa Sanchez, who was able to make the trek from California to Chicago is a fan of CMT’s Nashville and she shared with us her thoughts on the foray of events that is happening.

  • Hollywood has come a long way in recent years when it comes to representing
    people with disabilities in film, TV and stage. Whether it’s creating more storylines on
    mainstream shows for those who are differently abled (i.e. Superstore, Glee, Spring
    Awakening) or actually casting disabled actors in lead and supporting roles (
    American Horror Story’s Jamie Brewer has Down Syndrome, while Speechless’
    Micah Fowler and Breaking Bad’s RJ Mitte both have Cerebral Palsy). While a once
    overlooked community is now getting the opportunities they deserve, there still
    seems to be a bit of division in Hollywood on how disabled characters are portrayed.
    1. We are the inspiration porn, we are pitied, helpless characters everyone feels
    sympathy for.
  • 2. We are actually represented as normal human beings with real feelings and
    problems just like
    everyone else. We just happen to have a disability – but we don’t let that stop us
    from living our lives.
    The latter is rare.
    Which brings me to the show Nashville. Spending its first four seasons on ABC
    before being picked up by CMT in its current 5th season, the show focuses on
    fictional country musicians both popular and up and coming, trying to make it in the
    country capitol of the world. Starring Connie Britton (Friday Night Lights) and Hayden
    Panettiere (Heroes), the show has seen its share of cheating, addiction, and coming
    out of the closet storylines like most primetime soaps. This current season opens up
    following last season’s cliffhanger where Panettiere’s character, Juliet, is involved in a
    fatal plane crash. This new season’s story line has me a little irritated about how
    Juliet handles the aftermath of her accident. All Juliet does is complain how she can’t
    do anything while being stuck in a wheelchair, how she’s not “normal”, and that she
    can’t go out in public like “this”. Not to mention how useless she thinks she is as a
    woman in a wheelchair raising a baby. While it can be challenging, I know lots of
    women with disabilities in wheelchairs that raise children just fine.
    The first episode, “The Wayfaring Stranger” picks up with the young singer left for dead
    in a field of wreckage when she is saved by a passerby. She is the only survivor of
    the accident and we later find out her injuries include current partial paralyzation of
    her lower body (which the doctor says may be temporary ) due to shattering
    vertebrates, which is currently leaving her wheelchair bound. After surviving such a
    traumatic experience and losing sensation in your legs anyone would be terrified,
    that’s understandable. So I get Juliet’s bad attitude towards the situation. What
    bothers me is the way the writers are handling the storyline of Juliet’s new disability.
    We hear the cliche “I know you’re gonna walk again”, “You’re so brave”, and how
    they thinks she’s a miracle from various characters throughout the episodes. Later
    her estranged husband Avery (Jonathan Jackson) takes her to the accident site per
    her request and while pushing in the fields her chair gets stuck to which Juliet
    exclaims “Dammit.” Sure all of us in the two-wheel community have been there, but
    instead of our Dammit-stupid-wheel-got-stuck-again swearing, Juliet’s tone is a more
    irate Dammit-I’m-useless-in-this-thing statement. On that note, Juliet is supposed to
    be a multi-million dollar country star. Couldn’t they have gotten her a better looking
    wheelchair than that rinky dink cheap hospital chair she’s rolling around in?!
    In, “Back in Baby’s Arms”, the second episode, we see Juliet trying to feed her baby
    Cadence to which the child does not respond. Avery offers advice on how to feed her
    but Juliet instead takes her incompetence as a mother and seems to blame it on the
    fact that she is now in a wheelchair, saying “You just do it. I’m useless” while rolling
    away. Avery then tells her she is not useless, only for her to turn around and exclaim
    “Well I might as well be! How am I supposed to raise a daughter like this?!” Like this
    of course meaning in a wheelchair. Her husband assures her she is not alone and he
    will be by her side to which she replies “Yeah I have you for now. How long are you
  • gonna want to take care of a crippled and a baby?” I’m sorry but there’s nothing I
    hate more than the words “crippled” and “retarded”, especially when it is being used
    on a national platform. It is derogatory. Moving on, Juliet asks Avery to look for the
    woman who saved her because she can’t go out (because you know, she’s in a
    wheelchair and that’s embarrassing and all); she can’t let people see her like this.
    Later Juliet goes to a church where she believes the woman who saved her is a
    parishioner. We see a Pastor come out to Juliet’s van as she tells him “Thank you for
    coming out here. Getting in and out of this car is an ordeal.” Gurrrl, you have a
    wheelchair accessible van with a ramp! That is not an ordeal. Most of us wheelchair
    users would kill for an accessible car to make our lives easier! Stop complaining.
    The latest episode, “Let’s Put It Back Together Again”, we see Juliet struggling more
    adapting to her new life. While talking to Avery she drops something and is unable to
    pick it up from her chair in which she becomes frustrated. She is also challenged
    with the obstacle of stairs, aka to the rest of the disabled community a place not
    being ADA compliant..A few scenes later and upset she tells Avery “Tell me this is
    what you imagined? Pushing me around for the rest of my life in a wheelchair like a
    sack of potatoes?!” She goes on saying both her and her husband would be better
    off if she would have died in that plane crash, hinting life in a chair is a far worse fate.
    The next scene: Juliet suddenly gets sensation back in her legs after her baby pees
    on her. I mean really CMT? A 3-story arc?! Hey I became paralyzed for three
    episodes but now i’m getting feeling back in my legs and all better. It doesn’t work
    like that. I hope that’s not the case and from what I’ve heard Panettiere’s character
    won’t be getting out of that wheelchair anytime soon. Still, I hope as the season
    continues the cringeworthy cliched storyline of being disabled gets better. The
    episode ends with Juliet singing with hope in her voice the phrase ”I’m on my way”
    (as to say to recovery) while playing the keyboard.
    I as a disabled woman in a wheelchair myself am disappointed so far in the direction
    CMT is taking the character of Juliet. It’s sending the message that people in
    wheelchairs see themselves as freakish and good for nothing, while others see them
    as miracles and inspiration. Seeing as I’ve been watching this show from the very
    beginning I hope CMT takes into consideration how the disabled community can take
    offense to this and hopefully revise the storyline by shying away from the
    stereotypical portrayal of persons with disabilities. We are a community of world
    class athletes, NASA engineers, journalists who write for the Times, surgeons,
    artists, musicians and so much more. Again, I understand this character acquires a
    disability (whether it will be temporary or stays permanent we shall see), but I ask the
    writers and CMT to do better research on the lives of those living with disabilities, or
    here’s a crazy idea, maybe even have an actual person with a disability as a
    consultant?! So even if the character of Juliet permanently  has to use  wheelchair
    in the show, there’s no reason why she can’t still get back out on that stage and
    continue to be a country superstar. Now that’s something I would like to see
Nashville airs Thursdays at 9 p.m. on CMT



As someone who woke up paraplegic after a spine surgery, that’s exactly how I’ve felt for the last 2.5 years – useless, good for nothing, a burden for my husband and family, and I still wish I died that day, instead of living like this.

I’m happy that many people with disabilities handle life well. But not everyone does, and maybe the character in that tv show is based on those of us who don’t, because we exist too.


I am pretty selfish and self-centered and self-everything. When I was young I had no idea people with disabilities felt that way. I got sick as a kid and decided that I was a spoiled princess not a disabled person, later in life: I learned what my disability meant to others. I cry a lot but also I don’t care at all. I feel like a sociopath most days. You probably are a burden sometimes but guess what? Everyone in the world is. Your family loves you. The universe loves you. I love you for reading my blog.I’m reading a book about Hemingway right now and he said he died in the war but his body kept living. That’s how I feel a lot. Hemingway did his greatest works after he “died” so why can’t I try?

Leave a comment


email* (not published)